Honey Do List

I think that I am able to help a few of you out there that are looking for something to do this weekend. I have created a list of items that need to be completed at the house. Feel free to be the first to post a comment on which of the tasks you are willing to complete. No need to be shy.

• Remove tampon that is keeping the register in the master bedroom from closing.
• Put new batteries in the 1980’s boom box that was discovered in the 2nd floor bathroom closet.
• Paint over last of the fuschia paint in the dining room.
• Sterilize all ceiling fans, killing bacteria transmitted through cat dander.
• Transport swing set in the backyard to a local scrap yard, being sure to drive by the former owner’s house and point it out to their children.
• Remove bag from 1950’s ElectroLux vacuum cleaner that was left behind in the attic.
• Clean beans and pasta from the food trap in the dishwasher before we use it for the first time.
• Pull the years worth of weeds that are choking out our rosebushes.

Chinese Pet Shop

For a reason only known to the lesbian comedic actress Margaret Cho our home’s former owners installed a ceiling fan in the kitchen. While we painted the ceiling the grease and cat hair that called the fan blades home were documented on film for the amusement of future generations. It has since been replaced by a knock-off stained glass fixture resembling that of an original designed by Louis Comfort Tiffany’s stepbrother, Darrell.

Ty Pennington is an Idiot

After the June 4th closing we had a ginormous dumpster delivered and began a renovation process the likes of which those idiots on Extreme Home Makeover would be proud. We gutted the first floor bath down to studs and subfloor, who knew that a bathroom could be held together by mildew and pubic hair. Our first twenty-four hours in the house were spent prepping walls with joint compound and sandpaper for paint, over thirty-gallons of it was slathered upon the amazing plaster and lathe walls. It was a shame to see the fuschia walls in the living and dining rooms go.

Filthiest Home Owners in the Midwest

After closing on the house our squeaky dreamer vision came into focus and we began to notice what terrible homeowners the sellers were. I would like to list everything that we found, but rather than boring each of you with more of my incessant prose I will post all of our before photos. Do not fret my pets I will post the after photos right about the time you ask aloud, “Why did they even consider this place, let alone buy it.” This is where I present you with the disclaimer that some of the photos may be a bit graphic and not meant to be viewed by those who are pregnant, have heart problems or have a severe case of obsessive compulsive disorder.

Long Winded Story of Discovery

Julie and I had been on the search for a permanent dwelling to call our own since the beginning of 2008. There was a point that we were five days from closing on a glorified apartment that was labeled a condo, and the appraisal came in $5,000 shy of the offer. Thankfully our lender denied the funds and we were able to press onward with the search, so we thought. The condo’s seller was angry that we did not counter-offer and refused to sign the release of contract. While we were in limbo we moved into my mother-in-law’s condo in Cedar Rapids. After being threatened with litigation several times by the seller he smartened up and released us. Shortly after we dropped our bigot realtor and began to travel the seedy alleyway of house hunting without a guide.
Grab your TiVo remotes and fast-forward through the two of us quitting our crappy jobs in Waterloo, cramming all of our worldly possessions into storage, inconveniencing my mother-in-law for over four months, getting two better jobs at the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics and then hit play right about the time that Julie and Kim, the mother-in-law, get lost in Williamsburg, Iowa.

It was a glorious day in small-town America when to no surprise Julie and Kim lost their way in route to a cousin’s Lutheran softball game. Fate drove the two past a 1918 American Foursquare with a For Sale sign in the front lawn and an acrylic box full of poorly designed flyers. After a super excited phone conversation with Julie she scheduled a walkthrough the next day. Once our tour was complete we sat down at the home owner’s chincy dinning room table and signed our offer.